Some days it all comes out screaming. You know, the whole what the hell am I doing, what the fuck am I doing here? Is this some kind of sick joke? What is the point of this trail. I'm walking another 24 km today, up and down these mountains that are neither hills nor 'real' mountains. Why did I come back to Korea, out of all the trails in the world I chose this - I didn't even consider another one. Right now all seem more interesting.
Suddenly my mind settles somewhat; it wouldn't really matter what trail, which landscape - some may be more spectacular, longer, more interesting etc. The point is that this landscape is exposing me to myself. Maybe the homogenous nature of these hills is reflecting my life right now. Where is the purpose? Why can't I shut those doors?Why won't I open those ones? Where do I have to go next. I feel like I could conquer anything, be anyone, if someone would just tell me WHAT!? Have I really asked that question? No. Think I'm starting to grasp commitment. I swore I would finish this hike no matter what. It has not been easy, injury and all. But the harder you push yourself in anything - the greater the reward after. You just have to keep going, part by part, piece by piece. Shut up Goenka. Even after 95 km over 4 days, leaving the ridge I feel slightly disappointed. I could have gone harder.
But to realise this every moment is impossible. To my novice brain anyway. When you have something you can't see it. When it's gone you want it back, not even knowing what it was. It's so easy to change your life in your head. Discipline. I need to firmly establish bottom lines and ruthlessly enforce them in my life. Very easy to say - the trail has exposed that for sure.
The purpose has to be first, live that and no matter how foggy it gets it will surely get clearer. What the heck is the purpose??
I don't wanna meditate. I desperately wanna meditate until this madness goes away. Sit down right now then. Fuck that, I'll do it later.
Suddenly my mind settles somewhat; it wouldn't really matter what trail, which landscape - some may be more spectacular, longer, more interesting etc. The point is that this landscape is exposing me to myself. Maybe the homogenous nature of these hills is reflecting my life right now. Where is the purpose? Why can't I shut those doors?Why won't I open those ones? Where do I have to go next. I feel like I could conquer anything, be anyone, if someone would just tell me WHAT!? Have I really asked that question? No. Think I'm starting to grasp commitment. I swore I would finish this hike no matter what. It has not been easy, injury and all. But the harder you push yourself in anything - the greater the reward after. You just have to keep going, part by part, piece by piece. Shut up Goenka. Even after 95 km over 4 days, leaving the ridge I feel slightly disappointed. I could have gone harder.
But to realise this every moment is impossible. To my novice brain anyway. When you have something you can't see it. When it's gone you want it back, not even knowing what it was. It's so easy to change your life in your head. Discipline. I need to firmly establish bottom lines and ruthlessly enforce them in my life. Very easy to say - the trail has exposed that for sure.
The purpose has to be first, live that and no matter how foggy it gets it will surely get clearer. What the heck is the purpose??
I don't wanna meditate. I desperately wanna meditate until this madness goes away. Sit down right now then. Fuck that, I'll do it later.
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